Silly Mom Thoughts

I had the most devastating, yet hilarious pregnancy dream last night. My dreams are normally pretty vivid, but wow, this one takes the cake. In this dream, I learned the true identity of the twins. Interested to know what they were? Let me tell you: it wasn’t human.

In my dream, I was in a room with several pregnant women all crouching over paper plates and grunting. I was excited because I was going to be able to deliver my babies vaginally, something I have never experienced. They were coming a little early, so I knew they’d be small, but I was shocked at how small they were. The woman next to me groaned and pushed. I stole a glance at her paper plate and there was her beautiful, tiny…

Chicken egg.

Yes, that’s right, we were all birthing chicken eggs. I suddenly felt the urge to push, and push I did. (I’m actually surprised I didn’t crap my pants in the middle of the night because I’m fairly certain I was pushing in real life too.). Out popped my first “baby.” I didn’t have time to get a good look before the second one popped out. Then, to my surprise, a third.

Finally, my body was done birthing and I got a chance to examine my little ones. It was apparent right away that the third had died much earlier in the pregnancy, it wasn’t developed at all. I was sad, but I was really only expecting two, so it wasn’t as devastating as what I found out next.

All around me, women were caring for their newly birthed eggs, some of the eggs had hatched into cute little fuzzy chicks. I thought, “Wow, I was really hoping for babies, but I suppose a healthy chick is better than nothing.” But then I got a good look at my little ones. My babies were not eggs or fuzzy birds like the others. They were miniature cooked chickens, skinned, probably boiled since they were so pale, and headless. They were, by my pregnancy dream standards, dead.

I carried their lifeless little cooked bodies in my hands and with enormous emotional effort, threw them in the garbage.

This was where my dream went from amusing to downright devastating.

I left the hospital with nothing but a saggy belly pooch. I kept thinking, “But I saw those babies on ultrasound and they were babies, not birds!” and then, “I was just feeling them kick last night!” No matter how much I tried to convince myself that this must be a mistake, the belly pooch and lack of movement said it all.

I fell to the ground screaming and crying in agony and grief.

“I can’t do this again! I can’t go through all of the morning sickness, vomiting, everything again! I should have my babies here now!”

Eventually, I picked myself up. A couple days later, I put on makeup and nice clothes and faced the world. A friend of mine said, “Oh, I knew you’d get over it quickly.” I burst into tears.

What kind of a pregnancy dream was that?! So silly, yet so heartbreaking at the same time. It was truly reassuring to feel both babies kicking this morning. Let’s just hope they’re babies and not chickens.

I had a huge awakening yesterday and I’m starting to freak out. Below, is a picture I took  of my twin-filled belly at 18 weeks 5 days:

That’s big. No, I’m not saying I look fat or anything silly like that. It’s just, I don’t usually look that big until around seven months. Around seven or eight months is when I start getting uncomfortable and useless because bending over, standing, lifting, all becomes a massive chore. Usually, that’s fine and normal, because I have had time to prepare for the arrival of my baby and am, for the most part, set and ready to bring them home.

Right now, I’m nowhere near ready to bring these babies home. According to my doctor, there is a good chance that I deliver around 36 weeks, full term for twins. That is only 17 weeks from tomorrow. That would mean I’m more than halfway through this pregnancy.

Now, I know my babies, and I know they really love to cook as long as possible, so I’m fairly convinced they won’t be making an appearance until 38 or 39 weeks. However, no matter when they come home, I have a feeling my enormous belly will keep me from getting things ready much sooner than it did with my singleton pregnancies.

So, my belly picture started getting me all freaked out. Suddenly, I feel this major urgency to get our teeny house organized and ready to double our kid load. I look around everywhere and see things that need to be organized, given away, or thrown away. I see our huge, bulky dressers that are going to have to be replaced with pricey closet organizers simply because we need every inch of this house free as possible.

It’s overwhelming, to say the least.

Today, I am making it my task to clean out the hall closets and organize things there. I figure that’s an okay start. This weekend, Turk and I are planning on tackling what will be the twins’ room but is now our office/catch-all room. We have so much stuff we need to get rid of, and even more that we need to buy. A smaller desk, closet organizers, shelves…

I want, more than anything, to have this place as organized as possible before I’m anywhere near delivering the twins. I want to come home to a place where I know exactly where the diapers are, and which drawers hold which child’s clothes. I want to be able to walk through rooms without bumping into furniture.

So, yep, I’m freaking out a bit and my mind is, once again, zooming in a million directions as I try and figure out how we are going to successfully fit a family of six in our less than 1100 sqft house.

I have had a different OB for each of my pregnancies (and, for Bug’s, two different OBs). Now, in my third and final pregnancy, I have found the most amazing OB ever. Why couldn’t I have found him first?

My first appointment, he explained things to me about my previous pregnancies that no other doctor had cared to tell me about. When I ask questions, he gives me all the information I need, and then some. He never ever makes me feel silly for coming in, and actually has a “better safe than sorry” outlook on it all. I never feel rushed in my appointment, like I have with previous doctors, he makes me feel like I am the only patient he will have all day long. It’s amazing.

Today, I went in to figure out what’s going on with my insane morning sickness. When I asked if it was normal for morning sickness to get more severe over time, he said nothing is necessarily “normal” from one pregnancy to the next. He explained that our bodies can react to external stressors, and asked if I had experienced anything out of the ordinary lately. Oddly enough, things have been a bit emotionally topsy turvy the past few weeks since my parents announced their divorce. He sympathized with me, made me feel like it was perfectly normal to have been upset over that, and said that could have most definitely played a role in my super awesome spewing the past week.

He went on to explain different ways the mind can benefit or impair the body, based on our thoughts and emotions, and the things happening around us. He said that at one time, pregnant women were very much coddled and protected, and that may be why now, when we’re out in the world like everyone else, some people react more to stress though physical reactions. Boy, did that make sense!

In the end, he gave me a higher dosage vitamin and something to help with the awful acid reflux I’ve been experiencing to see if those things are enough to keep the pukeys away. Of course today, because this always happens to me the day I go into the doctor, I am feeling a million times better than I did yesterday and the past week. Not that I’m complaining, I’d much rather feel good, but I kind of lost my gusto for begging for anti-nausea meds when I wasn’t feeling super sick.

So, things are looking up. I have my appetite back slightly, haven’t knelt to the porcelain gods for a day now, and am so glad I went in to the doctor today. Lets just hope this lasts!

(And a big shout out to my friend for watching the kids. I would be so screwed if I didn’t have such wonderful support!)

Oh! And just before I headed out to my appointment, another friend of mine showed up with a little gift for me: Morning Wellness Tea from Earth Mama Angel Baby Organics. It has a whole booty load of ginger, spearmint, chamomile, and other tummy soothing stuff. She owns this super cool company, Once Upon A Bum, you should go check out her site! Seriously, could I get any more love? I said it before, and I’ll say it again: Dang, I’m one lucky girl.

Oh my, things have gotten far worse on the morning sickness end of my twin pregnancy. I had one week completely free of nausea and it was glorious. Then, last week, I started feeling nauseated again. The nausea turned to tossing my cookies once a day, which gradually turned to tossing my cookies after nearly every meal. Essentially, I haven’t eaten much since Saturday at dinner and it has been miserable.

I thought, maybe, it was the flu. But, I haven’t had a fever, it has lasted over a week now, and no one else in my family has gotten sick. I think it’s simply the twins stirring up trouble with Mama’s belly.

Now, I would have hoped that under such circumstances I would have the balls to suck it up, make it work, and deal with it.

Yeeeaah, not so much.

Screw Mrs. Tough Mama. I have been a big, huge, curl up in a ball, whine and cry, baby.

I have been letting my kids eat oatmeal and cereal for nearly every meal, simply because the smell of hot dogs and chicken nuggets quite literally makes me dry heave. I have allowed my kids to watch too many movies and play much longer by themselves than normal, simply so I can lie down and be still for a moment. I have called Turk crying almost every single day this week. And, I have whined- oh boy have I whined- to my friends about how yucky I feel.

And, instead of telling me to suck it up, they have listened to me, prayed for me, taken care of me, and helped me out immensely.

Friday, one of my friends insisted that I stay at her house for the afternoon and then insisted I stay for dinner. She fed me, she chatted with me, and her kids entertained mine for hours. It was an immense relief.

This morning, still sick as a dog, I called the doctor’s office to beg for Zofran or some other type of anti-nausea medicine.

“So, you have some morning sickness?” the nurse asked.

“No, I have had morning sickness for the past two months, now it’s worse and I’m throwing up,” I explained.

“I see,” she said and I prayed the next words out of her mouth were going to be “Let me get that prescription drawn up for you.”

Instead, these awful words came out of her mouth. (And if you have ever suffered from more than just nausea morning sickness, you’ll understand why they’re awful.)

“Why don’t you try sucking on some ginger, drinking ginger ale, pop a few Tums tablets, and take 25mg of Vitamin B6 three times a day,” she said.

My eyes welled with tears and I had to hang up the phone.

My morning sickness isn’t going to get better with Tums and Vitamin B6! And I have had so much ginger this pregnancy, I’m fairly certain at least one of these kids will be named “Ginger.”

Depressed, sad, and still sick, I hauled the kids out of the house to two different stores to try and find more ginger candy and the other stuff. I never found the correct dosage of Vitamin B6.

At home, I decided to scramble some eggs to force it down my throat, thinking some protein would help my nausea subside.

Lets just say I got to see my eggs again shortly afterward.

That sealed it. I couldn’t deal with this anymore. I called the doctor’s office again, explained that I don’t think they understood the fact that I wasn’t just nauseated, but couldn’t keep food down and I needed medicine NOW.

The nurse eventually called back, apologized for not realizing the severity, and offered to give me a medicine that would knock me out or schedule me an appointment with my doctor for tomorrow morning.

Yeah, I can’t do “knocked out” when I have two kids to care for, so I opted for the appointment.

Rest assured, I will be grovelling on the floor of that doctor’s office, begging for some medicinal relief from this hell.

In the midst of all of these calls, I called and vented to my neighbor, who offered to take the kids for a bit. Knowing she had to work tonight, I didn’t want to throw a couple more crazy kids at her, though I was so appreciative for the offer.

Later, another friend called and offered to take the kids. I was feeling okay at that point, so I asked if I could just come over and hang out with the kiddos. By the time I got there, I was sick as a dog again. She shoo’d me off to the couch while she entertained the kids outside for three hours. I sat there, in silence, I slept, I sipped water and nibbled on crackers. I had no responsibilities to speak of.

Then, she fed the kids dinner, she chatted with me, and simply made me feel wonderful.

As if these three friends weren’t support enough, online friends have been showering me with support and encouragement. Turk has been amazing, coming home from work and letting me crash while he gets the kids ready for bed.

I am one lucky girl.

My life is so random, why shouldn’t my blog also be? A few updates on my crew, my twins, and me.

Twins Update (or I’m So In Love With Those Heartbeats):

Yesterday, I saw my OB for the first time. How funny is that? Here, I’ve been to the doctor three times, had two ultrasounds and still haven’t actually seen my OB. Turns out, he and his wife just welcomed a baby the same time I was needing to come in, so our schedules crossed.

He sat down with me for close to an hour and simply chatted about my previous pregnancies, concerns I have, anything I want him to know. He had already thoroughly looked through my previous medical charts and explained things to me (like why I bled so severely after Bug was born) that no other doctor has taken the time to. We talked about my previous bout with postpartum depression and he said he would like to put me on antidepressants before the babies arrive so we can be proactive. I hate putting drugs into my system, but I know how awful PPD was and I have a feeling I won’t be spared this time either.

I asked when he usually delivers twins and he said he’ll let me go as long as we’re all safe and healthy, up to 39 weeks. He anticipates it will be closer to 36 weeks, since twins usually come early, but I will bet money they’ll have to be evicted around 39 weeks. (If Bug and Bean are any indication, my babies like to bake as long as possible.) So, that leaves me 29 weeks or less until we become a family of six!

He told me he usually does an ultrasound during the checkup, but since I had one recently, he didn’t feel that was necessary. I asked if we could at least try to pick up heartbeats and he said that we could certainly try. After my girly checkup and all that fun stuff, he was getting ready to leave and had totally forgotten about my heartbeat request. Bashfully, I asked, “Umm, can we please try to find the heartbeats?” my face turning all red like it always does.

He pulled out the doppler and began searching. I could hear my heartbeat loud and clear, but no babies at all. I started sweating bullets, worried that we wouldn’t find them. Soon enough, a beautiful swooshing came over the monitor. “There’s a baby!” the doctor smiled and moved the doppler around this way and that to find the other one. I remembered how difficult it was to see the other twin on the ultrasound, so I was less worried this time. But, another swooshing came over the monitor. It was so incredibly fast, I thought the doppler was picking up both babies at the same time. “Nope, that’s just one baby,” the doctor explained. Turns out, one baby’s heartbeat was around 140-150 and the other was more like 160-170.

It’s SO a boy and a girl.

Bug Update (or Potty Training Frustration):

Can someone please tell me why this kid won’t poop in the potty?! It is so dang frustrating and disgusting, to say the least. I don’t have any idea what to do to help him “get it” that it isn’t okay to poop in your pants. Ugh.

Bean Update (or Potty Prodigy):
Bean is her usual silly self. She, oddly enough, has pooped on the potty twice in the past week, despite the fact that she’s only 16 months old. I am so taking her potty training interest and running with it! I would much rather not have three in diapers come August/September.

Turk Update (or Working Hard for the Money):

Tax season is in full swing and Turk is working his booty off. He has been wonderful, helping me out when he gets home and letting me just pass out on the couch while he gets the kids ready for bed and cleans up the dishes and laundry. I don’t know how I snagged this one, but he’s a keeper.

Me Update (or Somebody Call the Waaaah-mbulance):

Though I have about one day of relief a week, I am still dealing with morning sickness and exhaustion. I’m worried that after I’m through this phase, I’m going to be ruined for ginger, ginger ale, crackers, bagels, cream cheese, and all the other stuff I have been living off of, for the rest of my life! To add to my attempt at morning sickness relief, I picked up some Preggie Pops at Babies ‘R Us. First of all, one of the flavors was Lavender. I’m sorry, but if saltine crackers are barely appealing to me, Lavender is far from appealing. Ew. Even the other flavors, though tasty, were not effective. Ah well, looks like I’ll have to keep trying new things until I’m over the morning sickness or until I find something that works.

Other than that, things are going pretty well. We have had some bumps in the road the past week, but nothing we can’t overcome. I’m so glad we have a number of months before the twins are born, so we can save up money and really be prepared. They had better not try to come super early, dog gone it. *wink*

As a rule, I have intense, vivid, weird dreams. In my dreams I am constantly rendered speechless due to a mouth full of gum or peanut butter. Or, there’s that recurring dream where I’m driving and suddenly can’t find my breaks and go careening into cars causing destruction in my path. I almost always remember my dreams, and honestly think they’re fascinating to figure out.

Pregnancy dreams, on the other hand, are a whole new bag of craziness. Blame it on those pesky hormones, but boy-oh-boy are my pregnancy dreams random!

For instance, out of nowhere I had a dream about an ex-boyfriend. Now, keep in mind that this boy and I broke up when I was sixteen. We were an awful match for eachother, and although I’m thankful for that part in my life and what I learned about relationships, I am so glad it ended when it did.

So, imagine my surprise the other night when I was dreaming about this guy. We bumped into eachother and he looked me dead in the face and confessed that dumping me was the biggest mistake of his life, that his marriage had ended because he wasn’t really in love with his wife, and that he missed me terribly. I smiled at him, and as kindly as I could, told him that I was married to an amazing man and there’s no way I was going to mess that up. He conceeded with a sigh, asking if we could at least be friends, to which I agreed.

He took me to his parent’s house and I got to see his mom. (In real life, I loved his mom. She was so cool, and honestly I would like to see her again.) We chatted, caught up, and I went back to meet up with Turk somewhere, even more in love with him than before because I was so glad that I wasn’t still with this other guy.

Random, right?

Other people from my past tend to pop up in my pregnancy dreams and I wrack my brain trying to remember their names. It’s so bizarre.

Possibly the best pregnancy dreams are the ones I can’t discuss here, since my faithful blog followers include my own family members and that would be embarassing. I will, however, say this: Turk is getting waaaay more action in my dreams than he’s getting in real life. Poor guy.

I have experienced wild pregnancy dreams in my other pregnancies, but they have never felt so real and so intense as the ones this time around. Blame it on the twins!

If only I could have stayed in the floral section of the store…

If you have never had the pleasure of experiencing morning sickness (and by pleasure I mean agony), then you have surely at the very least had the flu at least once in your life. You know that feeling when you’re so sick, you can’t even stand to watch food commercials on TV because everything makes you want to yarf? Well, that’s a little bit how morning sickness feels pretty much all day long.

Today, I had to make a trip to the grocery store. It was unavoidable, we had nothing to eat in the house, and I dreaded it from the moment I woke up this morning. Let me tell you, the grocery store in the midst of a bout of morning sickness is nothing short of pure torture. Before stepping in the doors, I mentally prepared myself. I will not puke, I will not puke, was my mantra the entire time.

I took a deep breath, stepped into the store, and prepared to walk swiftly to the specific aisles that I needed. Immediately, my plans were thwarted. Several steps into the store, one pathway, blocked. The next, blocked, forcing me to stand and try very hard to ignore the smell of the deli and fried chicken nearby.

Finally, I got through. I hightailed it to the bakery for some free cookies I promised to Bug and Bean and a dozen bagels to satisfy my bagel and cream cheese craving. Bakery smells? Tolerable.

Two more aisles cleared in record time, and on to the next, the frozen dinner freezer aisle. Blocked again. I breathed through my mouth and stared at the ceiling, trying to ignore the packages of lasagna, seafood, chicken, all kinds of meals that make me want to barf. It was like a horror movie. I could sense the packages of these disgusting meals just an arm’s length away from me. It was as though they were all haunting me, trying to torment me in my nauseated state. Liiiindsay! Liiiindsay! Look at us! We want you to eat us!

I felt my stomach lurch, but I willed myself not to puke. I haven’t puked in a grocery store since I was seven years old. I was so not about to break that record. Uncharacteristically for me, I cut my way through the backup and made my way out of the aisle. Rude? Maybe. But, I’d bet the women in the aisle would rather a rude chick cut them off than be witness to a grown woman puking in the middle of the freezer aisle.

Fortunately, the rest of my trip went well, though the nasty feeling never subsided. I avoided the meat aisle at all cost, despite the fact that they were having a wicked awesome sale on ground turkey. I was so relieved to leave that store.

Next time, I’m sending Turk.

I realized, while I was unloading my groceries back at home, that I’m on a very interesting diet. Any food that is remotely appealing to me is brown or white. Bread, bagels, waffles, potatoes, Toaster Strudels, cereal, all brown. String cheese, vanilla yogurt, milk, cheese, rice, noodles, pears, all white. Strange, huh? I realize these foods aren’t the healthiest for me to be consuming, but honestly at this point, I’m simply eating whatever I can stomach. I will worry about adding healthier options when I can walk into the grocery store and not fret about tossing my cookies at the scent of fried chicken.

Along those lines, I’m not tremendously worried about my weight gain this time around. I know I will lose the weight after my babies are born, I have done it before and I will do it again. For now, I’m going to pack on the pounds, make my babies as healthy and chunky as I can, and deal with the fact that I’m going to get flippin’ huge in a few months time. Hey, it’s my last pregnancy, I’m never going to get to do this again. I’m going to fulfill each and every one of my cravings this time around, because there will be no other time in my life when it’ll be okay to do so.

Excuse me while I pop another Toaster Strudel in the toaster. Mmmmm.