Apr 22 2009
Gender disappointment? Seriously?
On my birth board many women are discovering if their uterus residents are sporting cheeseburgers or hot dogs. It’s such an exciting time, seeing posts that joyfully announce, “It’s a boy!” or “It’s a girl!” and the following congratulatory messages from fellow board members.
Then, there are the occasional few who, instead of excitedly announcing the sex of their baby, mention that they’re upset they didn’t get the flavor they wanted.
That pisses me off.
Okay, back up, before you get mad at me. I’m not saying that it isn’t okay to be a little disappointed if you were really hoping for one or the other. A little disappointment is one thing. Many people want a boy and a girl, and are a little bummed when they end up with all boys or vice-versa. A little bummed is not what I’m talking about. A few moments of, “Dang, I was hoping for a girl” is not a big deal.
What is a big deal, is when people go into full-blown fits of grief over the fact that their family isn’t going to be exactly the way they always pictured it.
Do you know how many people on this earth would kill to be in your shoes right now? How many people would be more than happy to have a family of all girls, just so they could have their very own family?
It is so immature and so selfish, in my opinion, to be disappointed by the gender of your child. When you got pregnant, you weren’t guaranteed a certain sex (no, not even if you did the deed at a certain point in your cycle, stood on your head afterward, and then danced a jig). You went into pregnancy knowing full well that was is a 50/50 chance that you would get the sex you “wanted.”
From what I have seen on the birth boards, many of these moms “suffering” from gender disappointment are first timers. This makes me giggle in an evil little way. In my mind I’m thinking, “Well, get used to things not going the way you planned them, honey. You’re a mom now, that’s how it works.” If you can’t even deal with the fact that your child isn’t the “right” sex, you are going to have some serious problems adjusting to motherhood.
Lesson number one in parenting: You don’t have control over everything anymore.
Yep, sure you’re the parent and what you say goes… but that doesn’t work for things like determining your baby’s gender, deciding on when you’re going to go into labor, or even how your labor will go (no matter how much you hash out your birth plan). And those are all things that happen before the baby gets here. When they’re here, there’s even less you have control over. Like how much spit up your little cherub decides to decorate your shirt with merely moments before you were supposed to walk out the door. See what I’m talking about?
So, some advice for those of you severely disappointed in the gender of your baby: Get used to not being in control of everything now. It’ll save you a whole lot of grief later.
Thank you!! Everyone assumes I must be disappointed that I have four girls and no boys… nope, I’m just glad to have children period. I agree, take a few minutes to be bummed if you need to… and then get on with it.
It’s true! Kids are so amazing, it’s a shame to be disappointed because they’re not exactly what you expected.
I’ll never forget something my MIL told me when she had her 3rd boy. A “friend” of hers actually had the audacity to say, “Aww, I’m sorry you had another boy. That’s so sad.” My MIL was floored. “I am not disappointed! He’s healthy and beautiful, why would that disappoint me?” You go, Mama.
Bwah, ha, ha. I love this blog. So true, so true. Just wait until they all complain how their baby isn’t sleeping at night, and the baby isn’t sticking to the “schedule”, they have layed out for the next 18 years. Lindsay, you are awesome.
If I want to be disappointed and mourn the son I may never have then that is what Im going to do. You don’t like it … tough shit, don’t read it
If you see a thread that mentions gender disappointment, you can hit the back button or skip it all together.
Amen! I’ve been thinking this for awhile! A big part of why we’re not finding out the gender, and never did in the past, is simply because it doesn’t matter! All we want is a healthy baby, and if we don’t get that, we’ll find a way to make it work. That’s life! I just thank God that I’m able to have children, and this #3 took us 3 years to get preggo with. I never imagined I would have to deal with infertility after 2 normal pregnancies. My kids are my life- no matter what!!!!
And, on the same token, Just Me: You don’t have to read my blog. Hit the back button or skip it all together.
Thanks for the comments, all!
Thank you! I get so upset when I see posts about being anything but thrilled about the fact that they are having a healthy baby. Selfish idiots, they are.
whoa Just me relax. I believe Lindsay said it is ok to be dissapointed, but to really get angry about it and go on and on. Really? Be happy you have a healthy baby growing inside you. Be happy that you were able to conceive a healthy baby and enjoy what is to come with a beautiful baby you will have.
Dear Just Me,
I have some detailed instructions that you must follow! If not I’m afraid the bug up your butt may cause serious harm… it seems to already be affecting you vision since you were unable to see or comprehend ALL that Lindsay wrote…. so….
This may require two people since the bug seems to be VERY large.
Step 1.) Drop trou
Step 2.) Bend over and grab each butt cheek and pull gently
Step 3.) Have a someone the grab the bug that has implanted itself in your butt and PULLLLLL
After completing these few steps your attitude, vision and you stupid self pity hopefully will improve.
All children are gift and should be cherished and treated like it!
As a NICU nurse, I meet so many families who have struggled for YEARS to get pregnant and hope to carry a baby to term. They are so grateful, even when they have a child born MONTHS early who are quite likely will have developmental delays and health problems. I am constantly amazed by their strength and the love they have for their children.
To know there are people who have fits of grief over the sex of their children makes me sick. They should be grateful! Thanks for bringing up this topic, Lindsay!
Ok, Jo Brielyn I thought your name said Jo Biden. LOL. I was like “wha’? Lindsay has Jo Biden or a Jo Biden wanna be checking her blog out. Wha’, What”. LOL
I have one of each and I had so many people telling me how happy I must be because my family is now complete. One person even said that a boy and a girl is “the rich man’s family.” Yes, I did want once of each, just to know what it was like, but I would have been equally happy if things hadn’t worked out that way. I’m just happy to have 2 healthy (and might I say adorable) kids!
Enjoying your blog!
It is odd to think that people complain about the sex of their child…. we honestly thought we were having a boy bought boy clothes, painted the nursery blue the works, we had a girl and could not have been happier we even laughed our heads off about it as we gave away boy stuff when we got her home. We spent tons of money on boy stuff and we still didnt skip a beat on our beautiful baby girl.
Funny thing the nurse who was on the first shift with my for my labour was in the hall as we were leaving and looked down at my baby girl in her oh so cute baby boys clothes and so oh good he finally decided to make an appearance…. we both laughed as I said….. yeah and he is a little girl.
To this day I have no idea how that ever got messed up we still have the ultrasound pic in “k”s baby book that says I’m a boy.
I think once the complaining moms hold their baby girls in their arms the will get over it quickly….. okay well maybe “just me” wont but I believe they have therapy for that.
I have to admit that I had about a 5 second disappointment state of mind when we found out that our second was a boy. I had went for several months truly “feeling” that it was a girl. It passed, though, in about 5 seconds, and I started making plans for my two little boys. I wouldn’t trade them for anything now.
I have a nurse friend who actually told me that they train nurses to watch out for stuff like that in birth moms. Signs of disappointment and grief, and the like. Apparently some mothers are so upset about not having the baby they “wanted” that they refuse to bond or care for it in the proper way. Now, that is a sad story. I hope those feelings pass, too.
I fully agree with you that it is wrong to be disappointed by the gender of your child. Whatever the gender is our sole consideration should be having a healthy child and giving it the best of all what we have.
I grew up as the oldest in a family of five daughters - no sons. When the twins (#4 & #5) arrived, none of us could hide our disappointment. My parents wanted a “balanced” family, and we big girls were looking forward to having “two sisters and two brothers.” At the age of 12, it didn’t seem unreasonable to be disappointed when things don’t work out the way you wanted.
As I matured, I realized just how special my family was for being unique. We no longer cared that we were all girls. In fact, we (my next oldest sister and I in particular) wore that badge with pride. In one of my college textbooks I ran across a recent study (recent at that time) of parents and gender preference, and was appalled that most parents if given the option would prefer to have sons rather than daughters. I became enraged at my parents for allowing us to “mourn” that our new sisters were sisters rather than brothers. I then went on a personal crusade to prove that girls could be anything a boy could be. All people are equal, right? Gender disappointment, I concluded, should be a crime.
My younger sister became pregnant several years ago and much to her and my relief, she had a girl. We reveled in the fact that our family was still all girls. We were still that special, unique family we had grown to know. At that time, I didn’t see that we had become no different than our parents - except we wanted girls, not boys.
I became pregnant after an infertility struggle three years ago. Despite the fact that I know just over half of all babies born in the US are boys, I never really entertained the notion that I was having anything but a girl. Sure, I knew it was possible, but no one has boys in my family. We’re all girls. That’s how it is. Once my dream of being pregnant was realized, I felt like I was on a roll. I would certainly have the daughter I’d always dreamed of, right? She would be just like me, and raising her would be as familiar as my favorite pair of shoes. After having years of hands-on experience with my younger sisters, I’d be the perfect mother to my daughter.
When the ultrasound technician told us we were having a boy, I didn’t want to believe her. For years I dreamed of raising a house of girls just the way I grew up. All of a sudden, my dream was gone. It was never going to be possible. Until that day, I didn’t realize just how prevalent that fantasy had become in my mind. I would never have believed that I wouldn’t want to tell anyone the sex of my baby. I never could have imagined standing in the aisles of Babies R Us touching the “girl things” and crying. It never would have occurred to me that seeing families with little girls on the playground could fill me with such sadness. I told myself that I didn’t have the right to feel that way - I was getting what I wanted: a healthy baby. The guilt over not feeling overjoyed was at times overwhelming. My entire adult life had been spent believing that people who felt that way were monsters, and I couldn’t believe that I had become a monster.
Not only was the loss of my dream disappointing (to put it mildly), the amazing lack of compassion from people like those who have posted on this website only made things worse. Someone close to me told me that it should be “illegal” to have a preference for one sex or the other. Another acted shocked (like all of you) because I couldn’t just be happy that my baby was healthy. I was thrilled that my son was healthy. And after struggling to get pregnant I knew I was lucky to be having a baby at all. The guilt that I inflicted on myself and the shame everyone else made me feel was worse than the realization that a dream I had was never coming true. I felt that I couldn’t talk to anyone about my feelings because they were so taboo. I have never felt more isolated and alone than I did during the months leading up to my son’s birth. What should have been a joyous time of anticipation was clouded by guilt and sadness.
For those of you who think I’m selfish, imagine fantasizing about your future as a pilot only to discover you’re color blind. Certainly, you wouldn’t ridicule or criticize a would-be pilot and tell him or her to be thankful for what he or she has. You would give them time to grieve and make alternate plans. Parents who experience a disappointment deserve the same respect.
I’m not saying I deserved a pity party, or that wallowing in self-pity is ever helpful, but being given the proper space to mourn a loss is important. What may seem insignificant to someone is possibly quite significant to another. No matter what our feelings are, we are allowed to have them and they are valid, regardless of what anyone else believes. It has taken me a long time to realize that.
Until I suffered with gender disappointment, I was just like everyone who posted on this page. (Remember how appalled I was at my parents for being disappointed with two more daughters?) What all of you fail to realize is that we don’t “dislike” our children and we are NOT disappointed in them. We love our children. We’re proud of their accomplishments and we agonize over their defeats. We would wrestle an alligator to protect our children. We love them in the way only other parents can understand. We don’t regret becoming parents and we don’t want to change our children. We’re just living a life that’s different than the one we always imagined, and adjusting to that is harder for some than others.
I have begged my husband to never tell our son how I reacted to the news that he was a boy. I don’t want him to misinterpret my feelings the way that all of you have. I don’t want him to think that he has somehow let me down. I assure you that he hasn’t. He has made me happier than I ever imagined I would be. Until I became a mother, I couldn’t fathom the joys that come with motherhood.
Never in our lives did my sisters and I feel that our parents wished we were something we weren’t, nor do I wish my son was something he isn’t. He is perfect in ways I’d never imagined. He is the greatest blessing in my life and has shown me just what a great capacity I have to love. He’s shown me that being a scientist, zoo keeper, or fire fighter can be just as fulfilling as being a pilot, but in a different way.
But I’ll always wonder what it might have been like to be a pilot.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Dana! I cannot speak for other posters, but as for myself and the original intent of my blog, I don’t believe that it’s not okay to spend some time mourning the loss of the child you were expecting. It’s when it becomes this enormous issue that I have a problem with, personally. It sounds to me like you were saddened by the loss of a dream of yours, but in all, you are so madly in love with your little boy. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being disappointed at the outset. I do think it’s wrong to continue that disappointment, especially well after the child is born.
I think what makes it particularly hard for some people (myself included) is that we’re raised to believe we can have, do, and accompish anything we want to if we put our minds to it and work hard enough.
The gender of your children is certainly an exception.
Truthfully, even today over two years after my son’s birth, I still get occasional pangs of sadness. I’ve come to the conclusion it will never really go away. When I least expect it, there are demons lurking around the corner that trigger those feelings and it all comes back like it was yesterday.
What I just want everyone to take away from my experience, is that gender disappointment is real, it’s legitimate, and it happens everywhere, including in healthy families and to good parents.
Something I didn’t mention is that for many people gender disappointment is a result of feeling that you’ve let others down. Although the expectant parents might not feel strongly one way or the other, the grandparents or existing siblings may have a preference and THEIR disappointment is felt by the parents.
It’s a lot more complex than it seems on the surface, and can’t be so easily dismissed as selfish, immature, or control-freak behavior.
I apologize for the previous diatribe. It looks a lot longer posted than it did as I typed it.