Silly Mom Thoughts

There is something a friend’s mom once told me about marriage that has stuck with me. “Lindsay,”  Patti said, “In your marriage, you will fall in and out of love. You will always love your spouse, but it’s impossible to be in love with them all the time.” Though I was just fifteen or so when she doled out this marital wisdom, I was so shocked and yet relieved at what she said, I decided it was important enough to store in my memory banks. And, though my friend’s mom has since left this world, I will cherish this wonderful piece of advice she gave.

I believe this simple statement made by a 40-something mom to her daughter’s friend is what has given me a realistic look at my own relationships, and particularly my marriage. I also believe that people need to go into marriage with that statement tattooed across their forehead. If more starry-eyed couples were told, “You will fall in and out of love, and that’s normal” I believe that maybe there would be less divorce in the world.

Think about that statement and how much weight it takes off of a relationship:

You do not have to be in love all the time.

Shew!

I love my husband dearly. We have been together for almost 10 years now, and I know that there will be good times and not-so-good times. I know there will be times in-between when we reach a plateau and we’re just there. Most importantly, I know that this is all okay. It’s normal. There have been times in the past, and I’m sure there will be times in the future, when I would rather spend time by myself than hang out with Turk. There have been times when I have been so furiously mad at him, I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and run far, far away. Fortunately, these instances are few and far between, but they still do happen. In those moments, though, I know in my heart that I still love him. I know that we will reconcile our differences and apologize profusely when it all passes. It is okay that I’m not in love with him at that moment, because after we weather each storm, I know that I will love him even more.

Getting married doesn’t automatically bind you to your spouse, and nor should it. Being in a marriage does not involve morphing into this two headed creature with the same last name. As such, you remain individuals in a marriage with different thoughts and actions. Though the honeymoon period of a relationship may blind you to this fact, it will eventually surface that you and your spouse are not, in fact, exactly alike. Walking down the aisle is just the beginning of the adventure of marriage, much like giving birth is only one small, but important, step in becoming a parent. It takes time, it takes work, and it takes a whole lot of love and patience.

There is simply no humanly possible way to stay googly-eyed and in love all of the time. To tell you the truth, I’m glad. If everything in our relationship was sweet and wonderful, we wouldn’t be growing as individuals or as a couple. We would be stagnant. I would much rather undergo difficulties in my marriage and come out on the other side loving my husband even more, than just co-existing and pretending everything is okay.

Marriage takes work, and sometimes it isn’t fun work. Sometimes, when Turk and I are at odds, I find myself infuriated with him that he isn’t seeing things my way. He, at the same time, is infuriated with me for not seeing things his way. But, that’s what makes us a good couple. It is a good thing that we are both strong-willed and stand up for ourselves. At the same time, it’s also good when we come to a resolution and either the person in the wrong sucks up their ego and admits fault, or we compromise and agree to disagree. That’s another great thing about marriage: You can disagree! You are two individuals with different thoughts, feelings, emotions, and backgrounds. It only makes sense that you’re going to disagree on certain things. So long as they aren’t major things, like one person absolutely refuses to have children and the other wants a whole litter of babies, you can work past disagreements.

There is one rule we live by during arguments: We never, and I mean never say the “D” word. Divorce is not an option for us, unless infidelity or abuse of any kind is concerned. With ten years of a loving relationship behind us, we should be able to work out our problems. So, especially in the heat of an argument, we don’t talk about divorce.

The way I see it, and I think Turk would agree, is that we have arguments, we come to a conclusion, and we let it drop, so long as neither one of us is holding on to any resentment or hard feelings. If there are still feelings about the argument, we work them out until they’re gone. It is my sneaking suspicion that if we didn’t do this, and a little bit of each argument was left over in either of our hearts, that hurt or resentment would pile up and pile up, until it exploded to something very ugly. Something that would drive a wedge between us and break up our family.

I’m not saying we have a perfect marriage, by any means. We have been together for close to ten years, but we have only been married for five. I know this is peanuts compared to most marriages, and I know we have much to learn about each other still. But, we are doing everything we can to make sure we continue learning about each other and growing together as much as we grow individually. We make it a point to spend time without the kids, just being a couple, because our marriage is as important to our kids as it is to us. I do not want to wake up one morning, in 20 years when the kids are (hopefully) out of the house, roll over and stare at the man next to me, wondering who the hell he is. I also don’t want to lose sight of the reasons I fell in love with the man in the first place (and no, Turk, it really wasn’t your 1988 Volkswagen Golf or your money *wink*). I hope and pray that the next fifty years are as wonderful as the first ten have been… or even more so.

This is slightly off-topic, but I simply love old ads. Check out this Palmolive Soap Ad from 1922. Too bad soap didn’t cost $.10 anymore. Maybe then, money would be one less thing we’d have to fight about in marriage!

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