Jan 02 2009
New Year Fear
Looking over my journals yesterday, I became aware of a slightly troublesome and annoying quirk of mine. Without fail, the first entry of the year, I would write about how afraid I was of the New Year. I would write about how I feared the new year would bring sadness and the death of someone close to me. I feared that nothing but bad luck would follow me because the previous year had been so wonderful. That is such a morbid, awful way to think, and I hate it. I hate that I worry about things over which I have no control. I hate that I look much further into the future than I could possibly see and attempt to predict what could happen. I hate this New Year Fear.
For many, the new year means wiping the slate clean, starting anew, with new hopes and dreams. But for me, I don’t want to wipe my slate clean. I want January 1st and every day after to be an addition to every single day I have lived up to that point. Sure, I have some things in my past that I regret, things I wish I hadn’t done or said. There are people that are no longer living that I still wish I could see and talk to. There are arguments I wish I hadn’t had with friends or family. But still, each and every one of those experiences has made me who I am and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. So, when the new year comes around and everyone starts talking resolutions, new starts, this year will be better, etc., it makes me anxious.
Although I don’t recommend Sex and the City the Movie for inspiring an epiphany about yourself, there was one conversation in the movie that has stuck with me. Carrie Bradshaw and Charlotte York were chatting while shopping. Charlotte had recently found out that she was pregnant, despite the fact that doctors told her she would never be able to conceive. She divulged to Carrie that she thought something bad was going to happen in her life that year.
Carrie Bradshaw: What makes you think something bad is going to happen?
Charlotte York: Because! Nobody gets everything they want! Look at you. Look at Miranda. You’re good people and you two both got shafted. I’m so happy and… something bad is going to happen.
Wow, did I ever relate to that statement. This is my problem, my worry. I feel as though I get everything I want. Granted, I do work for it and I work hard once I get it, but still, I have not experienced the loss and heartache that many good people I know have. This is what has fueled my New Year Fear.
However, it was the next line in the movie that made me laugh and think twice about my own worries.
Carrie Bradshaw: Sweetie, you shit your pants this year. I think you’re done.
Though I may not have gone through any traumatic loss in any given year, I do tend to go through a bunch of little embarrassing and emotionally trying things. Maybe that’s my own little “shit in the pants.” Every year is bound to be filled with ups and downs. That’s life. I should feel blessed that I even have this New Year Fear. The fear is solely based on the fact that I have so many people in my life that I am head-over-heels for, that I am absolutely terrified of losing them at all. I suppose I would rather have a fear of losing my loved ones than to live a sad, cold, lonely life and care less about what happens to my friends and family. I guess when you look at it this way, my New Year Fear is, in a twisted way, a gift.
