Silly Mom Thoughts

As moms, we are complete gluttons for punishment, aren’t we? When we get a chance to go to a party and let loose, we stay up late despite the fact that our little ones will wake us up at the crack of dawn the next day. We endure mastitis, cracked and sore nipples, and thrush just to go one more day to breastfeed our baby. We clean our houses spotlessly, although we know our kids will destroy it minutes later.

Most of all, we have more kids.

Moms love this torture, I tell ya. But dang, our kids are worth it.

At the request of Ann, one of my super awesome blog followers, I’d like to give you a little insight on what to expect when you add baby #2 to the family, and how to make the transition as smooth as possible. I promise not to sugar-coat it, because really, that won’t benefit you at all, will it?

Are you ready?

You sure?

Alright then…

Let me just put this out there to begin with: Transitioning from one to two kids was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. Here are some problems I faced, and solutions I finally figured out. I hope they help you too!

Adding Another Baby Issue # 1: Sleep When the Baby Sleeps

When you have a baby, everyone tells you, “You have to sleep when the baby sleeps.” After you have your second child, you’ll begin kicking yourself for all the times you didn’t heed this suggestion with your first. In your beyond exhausted state, you’ll wish your newborn was the one tucking you in to nap every few hours. When you mention that you’re not getting to nap much during the day, people will constantly tell you, “Well, you’ll just have to get your two kids on the same schedule, then!” Seriously? Has anyone actually tried convincing a newborn to stay awake? It’s difficult. No, scratch that. It’s impossible.

Solution:

When the newborn goes down for a nap, put yourself and your older child in a child-safe room (preferably one with a TV). Whether it’s the living room and you have gated off the hallway, or in your bedroom and you have locked the door and/or gated the door, park yourselves in the room. Supply your older child with their favorite toys and plenty of movies. Fall asleep. I won’t guarantee that it will be a relaxing sleep, because your older child will probably bug you to put the arm back on a doll or change the movie every 20 minutes, but it will be something. Take whatever sleep you can get. (Just make sure the room is safe and your little one can’t escape!) Oh, and be prepared to wake up to a super messy room.

Adding Another Baby Issue #2: Establishing a Routine

Remember when you had your first child and you felt like it was difficult getting into a routine? Yeah, so, it’s worse with two. What makes it even more difficult, is that while your older child’s routine doesn’t change drastically from week to week, a newborn’s does.

Solution:

For the sake of your older child, stick to at least part of their normal routine after the first couple of weeks. The fact is, that your routine will change with your new baby and never be the same again. Maintaining some semblance of the old routine will help immensely, even if it includes you in pajamas all week long. Don’t stress too much about a stringent routine, however (unless you have to). Once your newborn reaches about 3 months old or so, you’ll be in a fairly consistent routine without much effort.

Adding Another Baby Issue #3: Taking a Shower

Ahh, the little things in life, like brushing your teeth and showering, seem to get pushed aside when you add another baby to your family. It is difficult finding a way to shower when you have two kids to worry about. I know many moms who, when they had their second child, didn’t shower until their husbands came home from work, and by then, they were so tired they often fell asleep instead!

Solution:

Don’t give up sleep to take a shower, if you can help it! Park your newborn in a bouncy seat or other type of baby seat and sit them next to the shower. (Bonus: If they’re suffering from a stuffy nose (and all newborns seem to have some nasal issues), the steam from the shower may help clear up their nose!) Do this while your older child naps, or while they’re safely in another room. Or, bring your older child into the shower with you. (Bug hated the shower until I tried this with him when Bean was a newborn. I told him it was raining in the bathtub and he thought it was the coolest thing ever.)

Adding Another Baby Issue #4: Making Your Older Child Feel Loved

This was such a huge issue for us, as it is for any parent adding a sibling to rock their older child’s world. You don’t want your child to feel left out or replaced, but you also want to spend lots of time snuggling with your newborn. Fortunately, you can do both, and do them well.

Solution:

We started doing little things to include Bug well before Bean was born. We let him help put her crib together, I let him “feed” my belly button to give her some food, we let him put diapers on his teddy bears, etc. After she was born, Turk stayed home for a week, which was awesome. He spent lots of good quality time with me, the grandparents, and friends. Your older child doesn’t necessarily want toys and things to feel love, they want you, and they want to feel included. Don’t freak out every time they come near the baby. Instead, make it a point to include them in baby things. Let them kiss the baby, hold the baby (with your help of course), have them hand you wipes when you change the baby. Remind your older child how important they are as the big brother/sister and how appreciative you are for them help. And make a big deal out of it any time they try to help (even if it isn’t really that helpful and creates more of a mess), “Oh my goodness, honey, I could not have done this without your help, thank you so much!”Look for ways they can help you too, like putting laundry in the basket or throwing diapers away. If they aren’t in the mood to help, don’t push the subject.

Adding Another Baby Issue #5: Dealing With Sibling Jealousy

I was terrified that Bug was going to be jealous of Bean and try to show his jealousy through hitting or acting out. Sure enough, immediately after we brought Bean home, he started acting nuts. No, I take that back, he started acting nuts while we were still in the hospital. My guess is that it was a mix of excitement and jealousy over this new little person who was taking everyone’s attention, but Bug acted like I had never seen him act before. He was screaming, running, and not listening. He was aggressive and defiant. He was a handful. The thing I didn’t expect was that he was mean to me, not to Bean. He hit me, he spat at me, for a time, he acted like I was the worst person he had ever met. It made me so sad.

Solution:

The most important thing we did in dealing with sibling jealousy was to recognize that his actions were directly a result of Bean’s birth. While he did go to timeout for things that required timeouts, and he was scolded for other actions, we were slightly more lenient on him (both from sleep deprivation and because we understood how he was feeling). To deal with his jealousy, we spent more time with him. I made a concerted effort to spend one-on-one time with Bug while someone else took care of Bean. My dad stayed with us off and on for a couple of weeks to help out, and the time he spent taking Bug to McDonald’s or the Children’s Museum helped immensely as well. Turk would get home from work, say hello and kiss Bean and me, and grab Bug to wrestle with him, one of Bug’s favorite Daddy games. In the end, the jealousy only lasted a few weeks before he got over it.

Adding Another Baby Issue #6: Your Marriage

I don’t know if this happened with anyone else, but after Turk and I had Bug, we had a while where our relationship was a bit strained. Not that we ever spoke the “D” word, but we found ourselves bickering and arguing over the dumbest things, mostly related to parenting and taking care of our new baby. This, along with me not wanting him to touch me, let alone have sex, led to some unexpected tension between us. Your marriage still isn’t baby proof when #2 comes along, but fortunately, the adjustment will be easier.

Solution:

Talk, talk, talk. Tell your spouse how you’re feeling, if you’re stressed, if you think you might have PPD or the Baby Blues. Tell him that you still love him so much, even if you don’t quite feel up to having sex yet. Tell him what you need from him, don’t make him guess. Say, “Honey, I know you want to do other things with me, but it would make me feel so wonderful if you could just massage my shoulders,” or “Babe, I know you’re probably tired from work, but I have had a very difficult day with the baby and dealing with tantrums, is there any way you could do a load of laundry and the dishes?” Plan dates, even if it means popcorn, a movie, and a glass of wine after the kids are asleep. Just don’t neglect your marriage. Here are some other tips on how to Bring Back the Romance After Your Baby Arrives.

Things to remember after your baby arrives:

• It will take time to adjust to your new life.
• It’s okay if you aren’t head-over-heels for your newborn… you will be once you get to know each other.
• If you feel like you have PPD, seek help. Your doctor is not going to take your baby away or call you a bad mom. (Don’t wait until your baby is 8 months old, like I did.)
• Don’t worry about your older child’s TV time. They’re going to watch too much TV for a while, and that’s okay.
• Don’t worry about making gourmet healthy meals. So long as you’re all fed, pizza, takeout, and grilled cheese sandwiches are A.O.K.
• Give yourself a break. It is difficult parenting more than one child. Call or email a friend who can sympathize, and vent your little heart out.
• You are NOT alone. Write “I am not alone” on a sticky note above the coffee maker, on your calendar, tattoo it on your hand, but always remind yourself that you are not alone.

***

The magic month for me was around month five after Bean was born. Suddenly, I was able to get the kids on the same nap schedule. Suddenly, Bean wasn’t so tiny and fragile and Bug could interact with her more. Suddenly, I felt like a human again. It was glorious.

I hope I didn’t scare anyone off with these things that may happen when you add another baby to your family. The truth is, that while the first few months kinda suck, the older the kids get, the more I am immensely grateful that Bug and Bean have each other. Watching them grow up together has been such an incredible blessing. They are constantly kissing each other, tickling each other, laughing, hugging, and wrestling. Sure, they get into some arguments over toys or space on Mommy’s lap, but these things are normal, and very temporary. When Bug hands Bean his last cracker and says, “Here, I share!” or when Bean snuggles her head into her brother’s shoulder when she’s sleepy, I cannot imagine life with out my beautiful children.

Congrats to your new addition, and when things get rough, just remember, “This too shall pass.” One day, we’re going to be 80 years old, sitting on rocking chairs with our great-grand babies in our laps saying, “Oh, I miss those crazy days when my kids were babies.”