Nov 30 2008
A Battle of Wills
We had an all-out battle of wills with Bug yesterday, and boy was it a doozie. Recently, we’ve been having a big issue with getting this kid to eat. We have also been struggling with his new-found mini-teenager attitude. Both of these things came to a head yesterday. Before I get into the good stuff, a little background information.
- I do not feed Bug snacks all day long. He gets a small snack between breakfast and lunch, and again in the afternoon. That’s it.
- He does not drink juice or milk all day. He gets 2 cups of milk and one cup of juice, if we have juice (which we usually don’t). Once he has reached his milk/juice quota, he gets water for the rest of the day.
- I do not serve him weird foods. We have normal kid stuff like chicken nuggets, noodles, sausage, hot dogs, mandarin oranges, pears, etc.
- I do not believe in the Clean Plate Club. I will never force my kid to eat everything on his plate, BUT he does need to try a little bit of everything I give him.
Bug was invited to go to a birthday party on Saturday. It was going to be so cool. Good friends of ours have twins who turned 4 and the party was at movie theater where the kids and their parents would get to watch Bolt in 3D. Turk and I were really excited to take Bug to his first big screen movie and we had been pumping it up to Bug the whole week. He was quite excited too and kept talking about the party and getting to see his friends.
So, Saturday around 11am we all started getting ready. I made Bug a small lunch: two chicken nuggets and some mandarin oranges, one of his favorite meals. I made myself some lunch and we sat at the table and ate. Well, I ate. Bug did everything in his power not to eat, like he usually does. He hadn’t eaten much breakfast, so I knew he was hungry, and I knew that there would be popcorn and goodies at the theater and I wanted some real food in his stomach first.
“Bug, you have to eat before we can go to the party,” I said.
“I can’t!” Bug exclaimed.
“Bug, you don’t have to eat everything, but I want you to at least eat a little bit,” I explained.
After much coaxing, he downed the two nuggets.
“Good job Bug!” I said, “Now, eat a couple of slices of orange and we’ll be ready to go to the movie!”
“I can’t!” Bug yelled, slamming his fist down on the table.
Before I could think about the words I was about to utter, I said, “Bug, we can’t go to the movie until you eat a couple of slices of orange.”
Immediately, I cringed. I had set the stakes, and now I had to stick to them. Man, I hate that about parenting.
“No!” Bug replied, calling my bluff.
For the next twenty minutes, we had it out with our battle of wills. I went from furiously attempting to shove an orange slice into his mouth (not one of my prouder Mom moments), to sad, to disappointed, and finally, indifferent. Turk and I began loading up the car with all of our stuff (oh, did I mention this took place at Turk’s parent’s house where we stayed over Thanksgiving?) and loaded Bug into his carseat as well. The whole time, we were reminding him of the choice he was making.
“Hey buddy,” Turk reasoned with Bug, “You’re making the choice to not go to the movie with your friends, you know that right?”
“I can’t!” Bug repeated, as defiant as before.
“How sad,” Turk replied, “Going to the movies is so much fun! You’re missing out on a good time. That’s so sad.”
Then, it was my turn.
“I so hun-wee,” Bug complained from his carseat.
“You are?” I asked, shoving our belongings into the car, “Well, there are some oranges you can eat, and if you do, we can go to the movie!”
“I can’t!” Bug spat.
“I am very disappointed in the choice you are making right now, Bug,” I said, guilt-tripping him, “Mommy and Daddy were so excited about taking you to your first movie, and now you’re deciding not to go over 2 orange slices. What a sad decision.”
Bug grumbled. Turk came out with more of our stuff (I’m tellin’ ya, there was a ton) and I went back inside. I grabbed a fork and placed 3 orange slices on it (I added one more for all of the crap Bug was giving us) and walked back outside to the car. I held up the fork with the orange slices on it for Bug to see.
“See these orange slices, Bug?” I asked, “You are giving up a movie, popcorn, fruit snacks, juice, and cake just because you won’t eat these oranges? Are you really sure about that?”
“Nooo oran-gees!” he yelled, “I-go-hoooome!”
With a sigh, I returned to the house and fed Bean the oranges that Bug had found so atrocious. We called our friends and apologized that we wouldn’t be able to make it, and headed for home. Not 5 minutes into our car ride, Bug was fast asleep. He wore himself out with his fight, running away from us, hiding, yelling, all because he didn’t want to give in.
For an hour, we fought with Bug over those oranges. Normally, a fight about something would not go on that long, but we were in shock that he was about to give up the birthday party just because he wanted to win the fight. Plus, we really wanted him to eat the damn things so we could go to the movie. And, it took forever to load our stuff in the car, since we weren’t originally planning on loading up until we were back from the movie.
So, the battle of wills ended and we won.
On the car ride home, we questioned whether our punishment was too severe, whether we overacted to the situation. But it wasn’t about the oranges. It was about not eating when it’s time to eat. It was about him trying to have the upper hand. Two things we have been struggling with the past few months. They just all came to a head when the stakes were high and missing out on a birthday party was the consequence. The entire time, it seemed as if Bug was trying to call our bluff, disbelieving that we would possibly dole out such a harsh punishment as missing the birthday party. But, I said it, and we had to stick through with it, so we did.
I called Turk’s mom and asked her opinion on the situation. She assured me that we didn’t overact.
“It’s better to deal with it now,” she said, “Than when the stakes are higher, like homework or something else.”
She told me that she knew exactly how we felt, since she had a high spirited kid of her own. She said that it is good that Turk and I are strong-willed and don’t give in to Bug, because once we give in, it makes the next situation even more difficult to deal with. That was exactly what I needed to hear.
We arrived home and Bug was still sleeping. He continued to sleep for 2 more hours. Apparently, he really needed to sleep off that fight.
When he woke up from his nap, he apologized.
Hmm, maybe we’re on the right track.
